Life and Legs ...

So life has been bumbling along. I spent too much of our piss-weak summer blowing money on booze, had a few fun times I guess but i'm getting pretty over it. Summer was too cold and windy for the most part so I only went for a few longish rides, and I think only went for a dip at the beach a couple of times.

Despite all the booze and lack of cycling I did a lot of walking and got fairly fit and trim. But my broken hip is causing a lot of pain now, the joint has gone necrotic and walking irritates it. I just keep pushing through the pain as I'm trying to ensure it's as strong as possible by the time I have a total hip replacement - I don't have an exact time but it should be within a few months. I had to get an infected tooth ripped out in preparation last week and that's still bothering me but I suppose it should heal up soon. One expensive hole in my mouth after a root canal cracked plus I got it taken out under anaesthetic.

Turned 50.

YaY.

Still not working.

I feel pretty burnt-out even after 2.5 years of non-work. But it is becoming pretty boring having a whole day to fill day after day. I spent a lot of time in the garden this year but there's only so much time that can sink.

I'm a bit sick of going to the pub. Plus I gotta cut down the grog before my hip op.

But it's my only regular social contact, so it's either that or nothing. Fuck. I have too much anxiety to interact in online communities very much, hell sometimes I can't even read SMS's from friends.

So I've been somewhat depressed lately. A lot of that is no doubt the impending hip operation and dealing with the infected tooth, but really i'm so fucking lonely and see no way out of it. I find it incredibly difficult getting close to people although i yearn for it deeply. I get hit on by women at the pub occasionally and at best just feel puzzled (or annoyed) and at worst panic and freeze up.

I'm forever sleeping miserably and usally wake up abougt 4 hours after going to sleep and then stay awake many hours before perhaps nodding off here and there. The pain from my hip (and now tooth) is partly to blame now. Nothing interests me at the moment, I do a bit of hacking or play some games or lurk on reddit but it just feels like i'm going through the motions burning up time until I can have another shitty sleep and repeat it all again. I have the odd enjoyable get together with mates (typically at pub) but small things can set me off and get me down for days particularly if I over-do it on the booze. Finding it harder to get into conversations and often feel I don't belong.

I've been reading a lot, mostly fantasy and some sci-fi. It's an escape, although sometimes even that upsets me.